This video by Einzelgänger explores four ways you can use to deal with 'Toxic People'.
Video by Einzelgänger
Key Takeaways
"Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good or evil.
We all know someone in our lives that’s so exhausting to be around. There’s always some form of drama going on and if we happen to be in a good mood ourselves, the person in question manages to turn the tide within a few minutes.
This walking vortex of negativity seems highly contagious and robs us of joie de vivre (exuberant enjoyment of life.)
Don’t we just love labeling each other. Sigma male, doomers, Zoomers.
In the world of psychology and self-help, we’ve got these highly popular terms like autism, narcissist, borderline personality disorder.
These refer to serious conditions that’s for sure, but we also see that quite a few people use these terms very loosely to label others. Especially those people they don’t like.
Yet another popular label is toxic. We can speak about toxic parents, toxic relationships, a toxic friend, and perhaps also a toxic pet or a toxic pizza delivery guy.
The word toxic indicates that there’s something wrong with a certain person, object, or situation that in some way poisons you. It depletes your mood, it angers you, it makes you sad, frightens you, it basically affects you negatively.
Now I won’t deny that people can radiate negativity, but I don’t really believe in toxic people because I don’t think anyone is inherently toxic.
What I do believe is that most people have their demons or shadow as Carl Jung called it, which is part of the human condition.
However within some people the demons are simply more dominant than usual. The negative, inconsiderate, and often manipulative behavior of these difficult individuals is what we perceive as toxic. (or difficult people)
How Can We Deal With Difficult People?
1. Walking Away (Beginner)
Walking away from someone may be the best option if you realistically don’t see any other way to be unaffected by this person. Perhaps he or she is extremely violent or extremely manipulative. In other words downright dangerous.
It takes great skill to deal with such a demon ridden human being. Chances are that you’re not equipped for that and that’s okay. Not everyone is a Zen master. By walking away we demonstrate our autonomy and that we’re not going to put up with this destructive behavior any longer.
The disadvantage of this method is that we’re still affected if we happen to encounter this person.
"Remember that following desire promises the attainment of that of which you are desirous and aversion promises the avoiding that to which you are averse.
However, he who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he who incurs the object of his aversion wretched."
Aversion is a tricky thing. In this case, it’s great when you were away from that person, but it’s terrible when you’re not.
Nonetheless, I think that walking away can be an effective method for dealing with difficult people that affect us negatively. Out of sight, out of mind.
However, walking away isn’t always an option. Sometimes we have to deal with difficult people on a daily basis because they are colleagues roommates or family members. Luckily there are other options.
2. Indifference (Intermediate)
Indifference is truly a power. It’s a way to keep our faculty unshaken by outside events because it’s not what happens outside us that hurts us, but the way we position ourselves towards it.
Being indifferent towards something you averse or even hate is easier said than done, so it’s an intermediate method.
I’ve noticed that most trouble with people in my life takes place in my mind. All of these negative experiences are products of noisy thoughts so when we meet these people in real life, it’s like they’ve been plaguing us all day, but in reality it was the mind that plagued us.
So it’s much easier to be indifferent towards people and I mean truly indifference, if we don’t think about them. Detach. Even in their presence.
The way to do this is by living in the present moment.
We can even give these encounters a positive twist by seeing these people as our teachers because they give us the opportunity to practice the art of indifference.
3. Seeing the Temporary Nature of Things. (Intermediate)
There’s a Sufi story about a king who noticed that he is happy when things are going well in the country and sad when things aren’t going well. Basically his mood was tied to the comings and goings of his environment.
So he asked the wisest man of the kingdom to create a ring for him that will make him happy when he is sad.
Thus days later the wise man handed over a ring to the king with the words this, too, will pass on it etched on it.
This worked because in times of despair it reminded him that the universe is ever changing. Not only he felt better in bad times, he also felt less overjoyed in good times, keeping his euphoria in check and saving resources that were normally wasted on festivities.
Reminding ourselves of the temporary nature of things gives relief. We might be bothered by someone right now, it won’t last forever.
When we see that everything is impermanent, it’s easier to look at life as a series of manifestations that come and go and passes by like clouds in the sky.
We won’t be overjoyed when the person is gone and we won’t be irritated when a person is around. We’re just dealing with another appearance which like anything eventually disappears.
Knowing this prevents us from feeling trapped in a moment like we are forever burdened with the negativity of another human being which is just an illusion.
4. Kindness and Compassion (Expert)
When we are able to react non-passionately when confronted with negative or even hostile behavior, we can choose to fight back with kindness.
At the root of genuine kindness, there’s compassion and empathy. Because if we are able to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and feel with them we’ll realize that they truly must suffer to radiate such levels of negativity into the world.
Who is more affected by these people, you or the people that have to live with themselves for 24 hours a day, seven days a week? The knowledge of them suffering may give you the strength to answer their behavior with kindness.
"Kindness is invincible, but only when it's sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong — right as they're trying to harm you?"
When you’re kind to these people and show them understanding, you might be able to relieve them from their suffering as well. This way you kill two birds with one stone. They feel better and you don’t have to deal with their previous behavior anymore.