The Only Book You Need to Lead You To Success
Animated Summary by Productivity Game & OnePercentBetter
Key Takeaways
The principles in this book can be distilled down to two principle behaviors:
1. Be Genuinely Interested in Others
When you meet someone your mission is to discover what subject fascinates them and then find a way to be equally fascinated. When you give someone the opportunity to share their interest and expertise on a subject they enjoy, they will associate their joy with your presence.
2. Give Frequent Praise
Think of a person who has recently praised your work. What was your opinion of that person after receiving praise?
"In our interpersonal relations, we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is legal tender that all souls enjoy."
One Percent Better Notes
Lesson 1: You Can't Win An Argument
To get the best out of an argument, avoid it all together. Even if you win an argument, you lose.
Lesson 2: Never Tell A Man He Is Wrong
People respond much more positively to you when you don’t tell them they’re wrong.
Lesson 3: Ask Questions Instead of Giving Orders
Framing your request as a question rather than a demand makes people feel like they have a choice and therefor will be more responsive to your requests.
Lesson 4: Remember Names
You may feel embarrassed asking someone for their name more than once, but people appreciate it when you take the time to learn their name.
Lesson 5: Talk In Terms of Other's Interests
If there was just one lesson to take away from this book, this would be it. It doesn’t matter who you are talking, talk in terms of other’s interests and they’ll love you for it.
Fight Mediocrity Video Reviews
1. Become Genuinely Interested In Other People
2. Show Respect For the Other Mans Opinion. Never Tell A Man He is Wrong
3. Talk In Terms Of the Other Man’s Interest
4. A Man’s name is to him the Sweetest and Most Important Sound In Any Language
5. If you are Wrong, Admit it quickly and emphatically.
6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
Animated Summary by the Swedish Investor
Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain You should not criticize, condemn or complain, other people, as nothing good comes from it. Dealing with people is less logical and more emotional as people tend to be motivated by pride and ego. Instead of a positive reaction and change, they may end up with resentment toward you.
When dealing with people and tempted to criticize or complain about them, stop and think about why they may be acting that way? You never know what someone else is going through and there may be external factors contributing to their behavior.
Principle 2: Give honest and Sincere Appreciation In life, everyone wants to be great and appreciated. We all have a desire to be important. We also spend the majority of the days thinking about ourselves and our inner thoughts.
Instead of always thinking about yourself, spend some of that time thinking about the strengths and positive characteristics of other people. Don’t take the people in your life for granted and let them know with honest, sincere appreciation about their strengths and positive attributes.
This does not mean to flatter others with insincerity, dishonesty, and shallowness. Giving honest, sincere feedback has the ability to completely alter someones self-perception. Improving their confidence, self-esteem, motivation and help them on their path to success. This is a win-win situation, nothing to lose and only good to gain.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want You love cheeseburgers. You and your friends go fishing, would you bait your hook with cheeseburgers because you love them so much, or would you use something the fish prefer, like worms? In conversation, people usually always talk about their own self-interest.
Instead, you should be looking at the other person’s point of view and what he/she may want. Realize the majority is not interested in what you want, but what they want. So learn to “bait the hook to suit the fish.” Give others what they want and not what you want.
To influence others, you must understand this principle. Think in terms of what they are thinking, want, desire, need and what motivates them. By putting our own self-interest to the side, we can convince others by having a clear vision of their needs and making it in their best interest to do whatever it is we are after.
“The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”
Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people People like people who make them feel good, show them they care and are genuinely interested in them. This principle is simple- to make people like us, show that you are interested in them! If we continually try to get people to be impressed and interested in us, then we will not have many true, sincere friends in life.
More often than not, if you show that you are interested in other people, even if that interest may not be something related to what you want, you will see that they will often give you what you are seeking, sometimes without you even asking.
Principle 2: Smile A smile is a universal sign of kindness. When you smile, people feel that you are glad to meet them, accepted and create a great first impression. Smiling seems so simple, but it can completely change someone’s day around for the better.
“Actions speak louder than words and a smile says, I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language If there is one way to make someone feel important, it’s to remember their first name. A name is a person’s identity, it is what we are known by and is a very powerful thing.
By just remembering one’s name, it is seen as a gesture of praise and quite flattering. On the other hand, forget or misspell someone’s name and they will see it as not caring or no interest in them.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist. Want to know how to become an extremely good conversationalist? Become an extremely good listener.
Find out what the other person’s passions are and focus your energy on learning about those passions so that you discuss the subject. Before asking something from them, talk about the subject and find an appropriate time to ask for what you want.
“If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.”
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests Find out what the other person’s passions are and focus your energy on learning about those passions so that you can carry a conversation about the subject. Before asking something from them, talk about the subject and find an appropriate time to ask for what you want.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important How to Make People Like You Instantly. Whenever meeting someone new or seeing someone that you have already met, try and think of something you admire about them or positive that you could tell them. Even something little could cheer up a person’s day and provide a satisfaction that could last them a lifetime. It doesn’t cost anything to be nice.
It feels good to do something for someone else when they can’t do anything for us in return. The reoccurring theme of these principles, the one all-important law of human conduct is to always make other people feel important.
Always remember the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”- Treat other people the way you would want to be treated!
Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it Arguments are a no-win situation. It’s either win the argument and make the other person feel inferior, hurt ego and possibly resent us or lose the argument! What do we actually get out of arguing with someone else other than feeling inferior? There is no need to prove someone wrong when we could avoid the situation all at once.
How to Keep a Disagreement from Becoming an Argument:
Welcome the disagreement If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. This disagreement could be your chance to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
Distrust your first instinctive impression Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction.
Control your temper you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Only negative outcomes are a result of bad temper.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem Hold off on the meeting until a later time. Ask yourself if my opponent may be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve my frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Be honest Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
-Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
-Thank opponents sincerely for their interest Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
Listen First Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding, not build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” A Sure Way of Making Enemies and How to Avoid it. Along the same lines of avoiding arguments, you should never waste your time telling someone or trying to prove to them wrong. It comes off as if you’re telling them that you are more superior than they are, which creates a challenge and gives the other person a desire to go to war with you. These statements hurt people’s self-esteem, so learn to respect other people’s opinion, even when you do disagree.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Continuing on the theme of people need to feel important. Being first to the punch and admitting guilt or wrong-doing, the other person’s only rebuttal and to nourish their own self-esteem is by defending you and possibly even say you are over-reacting! Admitting that you were wrong first gives the other person a feeling of importance and no need to correct you thus escalating into an argument or worse.
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.”
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way The High Road to a Man’s Reason. When we respond to another person with anger, we are never going to be able to convince them or be able to work around the issue. Their response will generally be anger and that hostility will make it tougher to come to an agreement.
Instead of responding with anger, take a deep breath and begin the conversation in a friendly manner. Starting the conversation with negativity is no way to get the other person to see our way of thinking. We can’t make them agree with us, but we can at least attempt to influence or change their thoughts by acting in a friendly, mature manner.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately The Secret of Socrates Always begin conversations by embracing the points which both you and the opposition agree. By making sure that you’re both aiming for the same purpose, you can come to an agreement even though you may both have a different method on how to reach that purpose.
“Socrates kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.”
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of talking Listen patiently while others are speaking and keep an open mind. Even if you do disagree with what they are saying, hold back from interrupting and allow them to talk. If you were to interrupt, they will not pay attention to what you have to say as they still haven’t finished expressing everything that’s on their mind.
Ask them questions and let them speak their issues. Remember the 75%/25% listening and talking ratio from the earlier principle. Instead of chiming in during times of silence, learn to hold off talking about yourself and wait for the other person to continue talking.
“Listening means taking a second to consider what they’re saying, not just hearing their words”
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers No one enjoys being told what to do and would prefer to act on their own ideas. Instead of claiming credit for an idea, let the other person feel that the idea is her/hers.This way you can achieve the results that you are after while allowing the other person enjoy the spotlight. So when you need something, present your information to the other person and ask them to tell you.
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.” Lao Tzu
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You. Understand why people act the way they do by looking at their point of view. You never know why or how some people think the way that they do, but if you were to spend a day in their shoes, it might give you a better idea.
Instead of trying to condemn them, look at their perspective, and accept it as it. There is always a reason that a person will act as they do, so instead of judging, figure out the reason why. You will then have they key to their actions and possibly his/her personality.
“There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.”
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires What Everybody Wants. Similar to the previous principle, by seeing things through the other person’s perspective, we may see things the same exact way. The magical phrase in this book that will stop arguments, create positive interactions and the other person to listen is, “I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel the same way.” Everyone wants to feel understood so use this to turn conflict into friendliness.
“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.”
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives J.P. Morgan once said that people usually have two reasons for anything they do: one that sounds good, and the real one. We must appeal to people’s nobler motives by using the reason that sounds good. Speak and act in a way that considers the person honestly and fair so that they will react to us favorably. Most people strive to be responsible, fair, wise, and so on. Use positive traits when talking with and trying to convince a person to do something for you.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas The Movies Do It. The Radio Does It. Why Don’t You Do It? It’s not enough to simply just state a truth to be effective. If we really want to grab someone’s attention, we must show that truth in a vivid, interesting, dramatic way. Instead of telling people your ideas, think of dramatic, creative and memorable ways to truly stand out and make your point.
Principle 12: Throw Down a Challenge When Nothing Else Works, Try This The majority of people in life have the desire to achieve and be one of if not the best at what they do. When you can’t get anything else to work to win people in your favor, throw down a challenge, stimulate competition.
The love of the game and the chance to prove self-worth is one of the most powerful motivators, create a competition to inspire others, letting them consistently raise the bar trying to out do one another.
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” Charles Schwab
Part 4: Be a Leader: How To Change People
Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin. Before pointing out the negatives of another person’s actions, begin by pointing out their strengths and show an honest appreciation of what they do well. By beginning with praise, the other person might evaluate their own mistakes and correct it self willingly.
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain kills the pain.”
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly How to Criticize – and Not Be Hated for It. If you’re going to criticize someone, it is best to do it indirectly by offering a positive suggestion in another direction. One trick is changing a positive appreciation of actions followed by the word “but” with “and”. By using the word “but”, it sounds like the praise is insincere and just used to lead to criticism. Switching “but” to “and” is easier to accept the praise because there is no criticism following up.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person By admitting that we are also prone to making mistakes, it is much easier for people to handle their own criticisms. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Think about how you were while at the other person’s experience level or age. Be a positive influence and before criticizing, mention that you have also made mistakes and have deficiencies in other areas.
“Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders: No one likes to take orders. Staying on the point of saving one’s pride and giving a feeling of importance, instead of giving direct orders, ask questions that will stimulate the mind and creativity. This allows people to learn and correct their mistakes themselves. A person’s effectiveness is greatly diminished when they are taking orders instead of understanding the purpose of an action and choosing to do it.
“People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”
Principle 5: Let the other person save face When we disagree with someone, even if there is no chance the other person is right, we will only destroy their ego by showing a loss of respect. Avoid giving negative feedback in front of others and always think about how you would want to be treated in their shoes if it were you.
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” How to Spur One on to Success Even though it is much easier to point out someone’s faults, focus on embellishing their strengths. Help them reach their full potential by praising them often, even if it is the small improvements. This gives them encouragement to keep on improving. Also be specific with praise. This will come off as more sincere and not something you are saying just to make them feel good.
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit – we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm praise of sunshine.” -Jess Lair
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to: Give the Dog a Good Name. It is a natural instinct to feel the need to live up to a reputation that other’s have given them. By telling a person that they are honest, hard-working, good-person etc. they will usually live up to it, even when their prior actions may suggest otherwise.
“If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct Use words of encouragement towards taking steps at improvement. Instead of showing fault, show that the goal is easily within their grasp and slowly chip away at it until the goal is reached. This creates a higher level of motivation and optimism to improve.
“Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest: Making People Glad to Do What You Want The final key to being a leader without being resented is to make the person feel important and happy about doing what we want them to do. Offering incentives, praise, and authority are all great ways to make a person embrace our lead and do what we want them to do while improving almost immediately.
To be an effective leader, keep these guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
1. Be sincere. Don’t promise anything you can’t deliver.
2. Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.