Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, the Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.
In The Four Agreements, bestselling author Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering.
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Key Takeaways
As children our parents, teachers, and society told us we were either good or bad, right or wrong.
We got so used to being judged that we developed an internal judge to judge ourselves when our parents, teachers, and society were not there to judge us.
This internal judge left unchecked and unchallenged finds fault in everything we do and punishes us for making a mistake over and over.
It’s like we’re living under an authoritarian ruler. We live cautious lives and waste a ton of energy monitoring our every move.
The way out of this nightmare is to commit to the Four Agreements.
When we commit to the Four Agreements, we free ourselves from the rule of the inner judge and can use the energy that was once used up by the inner judge, to create a magnificent life.
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
The biggest sin you can commit, author Don Miguel Ruiz says, is self rejection.
When you repeatedly judge yourself for making a mistake and habitually think, “I’m an idiot.” You’re engaging in the mortal sin of self-rejection.
When you agree to be impeccable with your word, you agree to stop repeating words that make you feel worse for something you did. Berating yourself is pointless and just distracts you from taking corrective action.
It’s like taking an exam for a second time and having someone behind you saying, “You know you screwed up last time, right? Why did you screw up?”
If you merely set the intention to be aware of the words you’re using to harm yourself and others, you will start to see significant changes in your life.
It’s like when a person sets an intention to eat less sugar and takes pictures of what he eats so he’s more aware of what he’s eating. He ends up reducing the amount of sugar he eats and feels better.
It’s not enough to stop judging yourself, you need to stop judging others–because the more you judge others, the more you will judge yourself.
Judging others is like throwing a boomerang that returns to hit you in the back of the head.
So when you go to bed each night, reflect on the quality of the words you said to yourself and others during the day.
Imagine every word you said to yourself and others was broadcast to every phone in the world, for everyone to hear, then ask yourself: did my words uplift people or did they depress people?
- Always speak with integrity.
- Say only what you mean.
- Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.
- Use the power of your word in the direction of truth & love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
When a person insults you, imagine that person is full of poison and their words are poison being thrown at you.
If you take their insults personally, you will ingest that poison. Once ingested, the poison will take over your emotional operating system and make it hard to think clearly. You will be enraged and feel like a victim.
Stop feeling like a victim by remembering that nothing people do is personal. Even if someone takes out a gun and shoots you, it’s not personal.
They did not shoot you because of who you are. They shot you because of who they are.
They would have not shot you if they weren’t full of hatred. They wouldn’t have shot you if they didn’t have a horrible childhood and suffered constant abuse or repeatedly fed lies that made them hate people who look like you.
When you agree to not take things personally, you choose to see other people suffering and realize that their judgments and their hatred and their harmful words are just a reflection of the pain they are experiencing.
Instead of thinking why me, why me? Think poor them.
Choose to be compassionate, instead of choosing to be a victim.
Now this doesn’t mean you live a passive life.
If a person shoots you, ensure they go to prison, but not because you want revenge, but because it’s for the greater good. This person is dangerous to themselves and others.
Seek justice without being outraged and hating the person who wronged you because when you’re full of hate and feel like a victim, you’ll allow your inner judge to beat up on you.
That’s why it’s imperative to never take anything personally.
- Nothing others do is because of you.
- What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
- When you are immune to the options and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
"There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally."
3. Don't Make Assumptions
If you routinely make assumptions, you will have multiple interpersonal conflicts that will make it hard to not take things personally.
I’ve made assumptions that have led to unnecessary fights with people in my life.
When I had a roommate after college, I assumed it was okay to leave the dishes in the sink. I assumed wrong. If I had clarified the house rules I could have avoided several fights with my roommate.
When you screw up because you didn’t have the courage to ask a question to clarify an assumption, you give your inner judge ammunition to shoot you down.
But if you vow to never make assumptions and clarify people’s needs, you give your inner judge less opportunity to speak up. Whenever you have an ounce of doubt, clarify.
- Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
- Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.
- With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
In the book author Don Miguel Ruiz says
"If you've done your best and the Judge tries to judge you according to your Book of Law you've got the answer: I did my best."
Even after you failed to get the reward–you expected the job or the trophy–you still had no reason to judge yourself.
I’ve learned to do my best in two ways:
First I do my best when I give my full attention to an activity and don’t over exert myself.
Many people believe that to do their best they need to go all out. If you push yourself too hard you will kill the joy you have for an activity and exhaust yourself, which will increase the time needed to complete your goal.
Second I do my best when I forget about the rewards or punishments I expect afterwards and just focus on getting better.
If you have a hard time knowing what your best is, it’s helpful to picture the main character in the movie Forrest Gump.
Whatever Gump did, he applied himself fully.
Whether it was playing football fighting in Vietnam, playing table tennis, captaining a shrimp boat or running, he simply immersed himself and seemed to enjoy what he was doing.
Like Gump do your best by doing your best to enjoy the process.
- Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.
- Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Conclusion
In the end free yourself from the tyranny of your inner judge by making four agreements with yourself.
First agree to be impeccable with your word. Refrain from using words to project yourself and judge others.
Second agree to never take anything personally. People who try to harm you are suffering and full of poison do not eat their poison and feel like a victim.
Third agree to not make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and clarify people’s needs.
Fourth agree to always do your best by doing your best to enjoy the process.
If you fail to uphold any of these four agreements forgive yourself and start over. Each day is a new opportunity to honor the four agreements.
Gradually the four agreements will become second nature and you will find yourself on the path to personal freedom.
"You don't need to change the world; you need to change yourself."
